Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
