I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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