the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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