Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
jump out the window naked night went bad
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
