Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
