The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
