Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
