Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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