Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
