Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
