Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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