bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
