they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
