The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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