I want to have your abortion
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
