She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
