Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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