I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
