Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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