please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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