I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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