If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
