so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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