Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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