I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
