I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
