Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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