Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
