I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
