there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I AM VODKA MAN
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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