Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
