I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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