I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
