I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
