Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
