Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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