you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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