i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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