I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
