I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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