Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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