I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
