I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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