Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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