I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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