Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have aggressive nipples.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
