no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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