We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
