I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
