it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
