Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
