So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
