I think my fart just growled at me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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